Choosing a Love That Fits My Fire

There was a man before Teddy. A very good man - caring, loyal, present, and exceptional in bed. And yet a restlessness that had nothing to do with anything being wrong and everything to do with my truth.

For years I had spent so much time intensely figuring out who I am - my body, my desires, my limits. Through solo backpacking trips to Morocco, Ghana, Costa Rica, through moving to New York alone at 21, through encounters with the most varied people, cultures, and age groups - including sugar daddies - who gradually showed me who I truly am. I learned that my femininity is not only softness - it is fire. And fire does not survive in a relationship that only offers warmth. But believe me - leaving was hard. So beforehand I had gone to therapists to work on myself, until one session when I said: I either need to change, he needs to start wanting this, or I need a partner who already wants me to be with others. This moment burned itself into me.

Because over time the misalignment between us had turned more and more into frustration and anger toward him - and with that grew the risk of destroying a wonderful connection with someone I love deeply and still value enormously to this day. I am incredibly grateful that we were honest enough with each other - and that out of love for each other, we chose separation. We genuinely wished each other nothing but what would truly fit us long-term. He asked that we not see each other for the time being. It broke my heart - because not being fully aligned for a shared life does not mean to me that you have to stop staying in contact. But I accepted his boundaries, and he mine.

And then - try telling that to your family and friends. Why did we break up? Because I want sex with other men. Oof. As a woman. That lands differently. But hey - it's my truth. My mum, by the way, already knew I'd been reading books about polyamory at the age of sixteen.

I did not yet know where this was leading - after all, I had no real connection to Stag & Vixen or Hotwifing at that point, even if the terms had floated past me at some point. I simply followed my inner voice and I invest a great deal of work into a life that feels authentic. What followed were weeks of posting announcements, setting search filters, endless text messages, video calls - some five minutes, some two hours, two to three a day. I spoke with so many different men and discovered how many nuances exist within this dynamic. It helped me understand myself better. And what I had always considered a disadvantage - this desire, this hunger - turned out to be the greatest advantage imaginable, once I began looking in the right places.

Then came that one call. Different continents, thirteen years between us. Yet from the very first minutes, so much was clear.

He was not curious about how I define my lifestyle - in order to adapt to it. He was that lifestyle. That first eye contact - even if it was only through a screen - there was a real spark. What followed were very analytical video calls, making sure we were investing our time well. Very German, I know - but time is one of our most precious resources, and if there's to be a next match, let it be a truly great one. After a short time, he booked a flight from Barbados to Vienna for our first date.

What Teddy and I have is not a fairy tale - even if I experience it as deeply romantic. It is a conscious decision: with open eyes, full awareness of who we are and what we need, and a shared understanding that true intimacy requires true risk. He sees me completely.

To every woman reading this, sitting in a good relationship, wondering why it doesn’t feel like enough - trust that feeling. It is self-knowledge. It is not selfishness. When you make yourself small, you automatically deny your partner the chance to find their true match. And the love that fits your fire is worth every difficult conversation, every uncertain night, and every brave goodbye that leads you there.

in love, Mara